A friend of mine posted a link on Facebook of sex columnist Dan Savage discussing monogamy on the Colbert Report (click here to watch the video, and here for the corresponding NY Times article). Savage makes his argument for both homo- and heterosexual couples, but for now, I'm going to stick with monogamy in heterosexual marriages. Also, the views in this article are my solely my opinions, based on what I feel is right and wrong. If you have a different opinion, I'd be more than happy to hear it. If you get offended by something in this article, I honestly don't want to hear about how your panties are in a bunch.
According to Savage, "monogamy is harder than we admit and [we need to articulate] a sexual ethic that...honors the reality, rather than the romantic ideal, of marriage." In other words, he believes that monogamy places "unrealistic demands on the institution [of marriage] and on ourselves." I completely agree that monogamy is harder than many people think. But what is a marriage without the promise of monogamy? Some people have "open marriages", where each spouse is at liberty to be with someone else, but is that really a marriage? Is a marriage with consenting affairs still considered a marriage? Why bother getting married at all if you still want the freedom to see other people? We are consistently bad at monogamy, Savage points out. So why bother?
"'The mistake that straight people made,' Savage says, 'was imposing the monogamous expectation on men. Men were never expected to be monogamous. Men had concubines, mistresses and access to prostitutes, until everybody decided marriage had to be egalitarian and fairsey.' In the feminist revolution, rather than extending to women 'the same latitude and license and pressure-release valve that men had always enjoyed,' we extended to men the confines women had always endured.'" At what point did we decide that concubines and polygamy were "wrong"? (I have an idea, but that's a whole other discussion.) Historically, men were willing (or genuinely make a strong effort) to give up their wanderings when they got married. But I disagree with Savage on the consequences of the feminist revolution. The whole point of the revolution was that women could do everything men could do...including having multiple sexual partners. I consider myself a sort of feminist, in certain areas. But not this. The real result of the feminist revolution is the perpetuation of man whores and a new generation of loose women.
Many people, Savage included, suggest that monogamy can breed boredom and dissatisfaction, which consistently leads to sordid affairs anyway. So why not stave off the messiness and simply agree and be honest about wanting to have an affair? After all, being with someone new will make you appreciate your spouse more, right? Or, how about this: be a better, more attentive - and more strategic - lover to your spouse. I realize that it's a novel, almost unthinkable concept, but consistently having sex with your spouse (yes, even if you don't feel like it or if you think you don't have time for it) could help to maintain a monogamous marriage. "But I've been married for 10 years and sex is boring!" So abstain for a week or two; I'm sure you'll have a new found appreciation for sex after that. One wife got some advice from her great aunt on how to keep a sex life interesting: "Always have a little sexy nightie he's never seen. It will take care of any problems..." Still think an affair can heat things up? "One recent writer to Savage's [advice column] thought he would enjoy seeing his wife fool around with another man, and initially did: 'Almost every kinky kind [of sex] was being had and enjoyed.' But when his wife had vaginal intercourse with the other man, something happened. 'It was as if all the air in the room was sucked out through my soul,' he writes."
Please know that I am not judging anyone's life choices. Whatever someone chooses to do with their body is their business. But I genuinely feel that our loose attitudes towards sex and marriage is corroding our society and culture. If you know, or have any doubts that you can remain faithful to someone, I would seriously urge you to rethink whether marriage is right for you.
Also seen on No Hope For The Human Race
According to Savage, "monogamy is harder than we admit and [we need to articulate] a sexual ethic that...honors the reality, rather than the romantic ideal, of marriage." In other words, he believes that monogamy places "unrealistic demands on the institution [of marriage] and on ourselves." I completely agree that monogamy is harder than many people think. But what is a marriage without the promise of monogamy? Some people have "open marriages", where each spouse is at liberty to be with someone else, but is that really a marriage? Is a marriage with consenting affairs still considered a marriage? Why bother getting married at all if you still want the freedom to see other people? We are consistently bad at monogamy, Savage points out. So why bother?
"'The mistake that straight people made,' Savage says, 'was imposing the monogamous expectation on men. Men were never expected to be monogamous. Men had concubines, mistresses and access to prostitutes, until everybody decided marriage had to be egalitarian and fairsey.' In the feminist revolution, rather than extending to women 'the same latitude and license and pressure-release valve that men had always enjoyed,' we extended to men the confines women had always endured.'" At what point did we decide that concubines and polygamy were "wrong"? (I have an idea, but that's a whole other discussion.) Historically, men were willing (or genuinely make a strong effort) to give up their wanderings when they got married. But I disagree with Savage on the consequences of the feminist revolution. The whole point of the revolution was that women could do everything men could do...including having multiple sexual partners. I consider myself a sort of feminist, in certain areas. But not this. The real result of the feminist revolution is the perpetuation of man whores and a new generation of loose women.
Many people, Savage included, suggest that monogamy can breed boredom and dissatisfaction, which consistently leads to sordid affairs anyway. So why not stave off the messiness and simply agree and be honest about wanting to have an affair? After all, being with someone new will make you appreciate your spouse more, right? Or, how about this: be a better, more attentive - and more strategic - lover to your spouse. I realize that it's a novel, almost unthinkable concept, but consistently having sex with your spouse (yes, even if you don't feel like it or if you think you don't have time for it) could help to maintain a monogamous marriage. "But I've been married for 10 years and sex is boring!" So abstain for a week or two; I'm sure you'll have a new found appreciation for sex after that. One wife got some advice from her great aunt on how to keep a sex life interesting: "Always have a little sexy nightie he's never seen. It will take care of any problems..." Still think an affair can heat things up? "One recent writer to Savage's [advice column] thought he would enjoy seeing his wife fool around with another man, and initially did: 'Almost every kinky kind [of sex] was being had and enjoyed.' But when his wife had vaginal intercourse with the other man, something happened. 'It was as if all the air in the room was sucked out through my soul,' he writes."
Please know that I am not judging anyone's life choices. Whatever someone chooses to do with their body is their business. But I genuinely feel that our loose attitudes towards sex and marriage is corroding our society and culture. If you know, or have any doubts that you can remain faithful to someone, I would seriously urge you to rethink whether marriage is right for you.
Also seen on No Hope For The Human Race